The Three Inner Selves Of Tsuzuki Asato
by ketsuki
Summary: Here, you will finally meet Tsuzuki. The real 26 year old Shinogami, not the front he puts up. You will meet his three inner selves; after reading this, you will look at him in a completely different light. **Written to improve my character development**
1. Part 1: Inner Truth

Hi. Can you see me? I hope you can. You know I don't appear too often. Actually, I hardly appear. Ever.  
  
But this is my chance. My chance to tell you everything. Why I was hidden, why I needed to be hidden. Oh, of course, this won't take long. I only have a short time. Yes, a very short time. So let's get on it, shall we?  
  
My life has never been good. Ever since I was born, till the day I died, my life has never been one would expect from a person like me. Well, when you look at me with a first careless glance anyway.  
  
And then you'll look twice to make sure if my violet eyes are really violet.  
  
Yes, I have violet eyes. And they are what have condemned me for most of my life. Actually, for ALL of my life.  
  
I remember it all. Every single memory. I guess being dead does have its ups and downs. I'm not sure if this is considered as an up or a down. Even when I'm dead, I remember every single aspect of my past life. As I spend more and more time as a Shinogami, I remember more and more.  
  
I remember the tease, the rocks thrown at me, the pain as they scratch me. I remember the branches that are used to poke at me, as if I am only a piece of garbage left at the sidewalk. I remember every bit of pain I went through, every insult thrown at me, everything I have ever felt, I remember.  
  
They are in my nightmares, you know. They faces are blurred, swirling around me as I run from them, screaming and crying and sobbing, with no one to comfort me and to simply hold me in their arms. I don't think anyone understands.  
  
Or if they even bother too.  
  
I mean, how many adults saw me being hit? How many grown-ups, how many wise old people, saw me being condemned for how I was born right in the middle of the street, and did nothing? How would they feel if their own children were being cursed in such a way?  
  
This all seems very childish, doesn't it? I'm twenty-six physically, but at least over seventy mentally. You would think that I shouldn't be lingering in the past, shouldn't be thinking of such things. All logical and reasonable adults would say, "look to the future".  
  
But you have to think, back when I was a child, did I even think I had a future? If I had to go through all that condemnation again in the future, I'd rather die. I really would've.  
  
No matter what age you are, you still remember. Memories, for me, are torturous. They're as vivid as dreams, but they are not worse then dreams. I can play them whenever I want, which is not often. Dreams come whenever they want. Only when Kazutaka Muraki is having his way with me, do memories replay. That, by the way, is the only time I truly appear.  
  
And I don't want to appear. If I were given a choice, I would rather let my other selves take over, and just let myself rest in peace. Either way, it's torturous. When I appear, I am blank and unemotional, or I am raving on and on about nothing, screaming incoherently with wide eyes filled with crazed insanity. When I am alone, deep in my shell, I see things again and again and again. I can stop them, but I am tired. I'm so tired.  
  
Eventually, I was taken to the hospital. I don't know when, I don't even know how old I was, but I was taken to the hospital. And there I had lain, wide-awake, screaming in my mind and hearing those voices over and over again. There are miraculous times where I can see through those cruel words and the beatings that are replayed in my mind, and I can talk, I can see and listen, I can move. But I cannot smile.  
  
And soon after, I would fall into that world again, and be tortured. I don't how long I would be tortured, I just don't know.  
  
Eventually, all this took place in the time of eight years. According to Kazutaka Muraki (I never want to accord anything to him again, and this is the only time I am doing so), I have lain awake without sleep for eight years, tittering between insanity and sanity, consciousness and unconsciousness. And I never aged.  
  
So I think I was taken to the hospital when I was twenty-six. It makes sense, doesn't it? I never aged in the hospital, and I died at the hospital, so I should be in the age I am now, in the world of the dead, twenty-six.  
  
Don't ask me how I remember being on the brink of insanity, because most others wouldn't. But for some reason, I do. It's not a pleasant situation to be in, going insane. You just see everything in a jumbled picture of sorts. And you're just trying to go through them, one by one. And when you can't, when you realize you're trapped, you just let out this animalistic screech of frustration, and then go back to your work again, sorting out the images.  
  
You see, that's what happened to me. Everyone heard my screams, my wails, and thought I was just going crazy, or mentally disabled, but I wasn't. I knew I was at the hospital, I knew I wasn't eating, drinking, or sleeping. I was aware of that, but I couldn't get out of those images. Only a few moments, as I have said before, did I manage to get out. And then I realize it's not that big of an accomplishment.  
  
Picture this. Having to go through millions and millions of memories, and suddenly snapping out of it. And you see the white ceiling of the hospital, feel the material of the cotton blanket and the material of your own nightgown; smell the musky smell of death and misery of the room. And that's for just one split second. One split second, I felt everything.  
  
And a second later, I was right back to where I was.  
  
And I remember. Oh, I remember so vividly in my mind all the senses I felt for a split second. But what sort of accomplishment was that? Just to get out of the memories for a second? Not very long, is it? Yes, I know, that's how I felt, and that's what I realized.  
  
But then.I died. I simply went offline, shut down, and my body went limb. I went magnificently calm, relaxed, and suddenly, I was out of my body. In an instant, I stood in front of Enma-Daioh, Lord of the Dead. And I became Shinogami, the God of Death.  
  
These past seventy years working in EnmaCho, Shokan division, have been wonderful. I have made friends; my inner selves made themselves known (as you will hear from later on) and met this dear boy who seems to have as many problems as I. Kurosaki Hisoka.  
  
Hisoka is my partner, a new Shinogami. He's special. He's stubborn, and gets angry easily. He's always exasperated at me, and often snubs me for no reason at all. But he's fun to be around. Really, he is.  
  
But then.I met Kazutaka Muraki. And at the end, the very end, he told me. I was a demon. I was born of demon blood, and my eyes are the living proof. I instantly appeared, my other selves fleeing, who could not take that truth. I became alone; I no longer felt the other presences. And as I mentioned before, (remember?) I went insane. Sometimes I was blank, others I was simply raving mad. And I remember every second of it.  
  
At the end, I sought to destroy myself. To destroy myself with Touda's Hell Fire. He listened to my command, as all Shikigami should. He respected my decision. I finally felt calm. But - my other inner selves did not. They screamed and pleaded to be let out, they didn't want to be destroyed. I told then this is the only choice I can make, to finally free myself from my sins. As you should know, a Shinogami's job is to kill. I have killed too many. I am no different to the kids that have condemned me in my earlier life.  
  
But then - Hisoka! He, knowing he can be killed as well, saved me. He jumped over the fire and landed beside me and gathered me into his arms. He kept saying, "Don't leave me. Live for me. Live for me".  
  
I refused, though. He didn't understand. My pain, my torture. I tried to explain, but no sounds came from my throat. He kept mumbling, "Live for me. Don't ever leave me. I need you".  
  
And finally, I fainted. Darkness consumed me.  
  
And then I woke up, realizing one of the other Shinogami, Tatsumi, saved me with his shadow warriors, encasing us and keeping us safe from the fire.  
  
I can't say I'm grateful, but I am glad. There are ones who care for me. I never doubted them, but perhaps I really just needed to see. With my own eyes.  
  
Oh. I have spoke too long. I apologize, it seems the other inner selves want to speak after all. They are different then me, much more different.  
  
But don't worry, if you enjoyed my company, you'll surly enjoy theirs.  
  
They have their own story and point of view to tell. But for now, I must go. I'm glad you came to visit me and to hear me out. Thank you again.  
  
Oh, you must be on your way. Well, go right ahead. The next inner self will introduce them self to you and begin the story.  
  
Oh, have I told you who I am? I am Asato Tsuzuki, his Inner Truth. 


	2. Part 2: Inner Pretence

What are you doing here? Oh, you're here to listen to me rant. Oh, don't worry. And don't look so scared either. My talking won't take as long as the Inner Truth took. Seriously, that guy doesn't know how to keep his talking limited. Guess that's just us. Ironic, isn't it?  
  
Well, unlike the Inner Truth, I know how to keep my talking limited. So, let's begin. I don't like appearing all that much, and I don't like to talk at all. Just keep up with me, okay? I can hardly say everything in one sentence, so excuse me if this explanation seems rushed.  
  
Okay, where to start? As you know, the Inner Truth was there all along. I only appeared after he - or rather, we became a Shinogami. And there's actually a reason for me to appear, or actually, to became a real inner self. Back then, when he was alive, there was no need for me to be here.  
  
I am Asato Tsuzuki, the Inner Pretence. I am a fake.  
  
I am different. Not often do you see me, but definitely much more often then you would regularly see the Inner Truth, and one either being that should come right after me.  
  
But I haven't truly started explaining, have I? I will start now. And, oh please, if you're bored, you can leave. I'm not stopping you. Neither is any three of us. We expect nothing from you. Absolutely nothing.  
  
Now, where to start? Perhaps, when I became a Shinogami. That is the only time that is most vivid to me.  
  
I remember dying, of course. When I had fallen to darkness for a split second. I couldn't move; I couldn't do a thing. I was completely panicked, trying to scream but couldn't, trying to cry but simply wouldn't do.  
  
But I was met with a blinding white light. And I knew, even before I drifted from my body, I was dead, and left as a lingering spirit.  
  
I cannot explain the process of death to you, because that would be like explaining how it feels to make love, which I have not experienced. But I know it is a thing that can never be described. You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it. And that is how death is. Indescribable.  
  
Okay, you still with me? I hope so; it's hard enough for me to explain without you not paying attention. I haven't talked that much. Give me a break; this is hard to explain. Whenever I appear, it's difficult for me to speak the truth. But I was solely made to not speak the truth, so if I do speak the truth, it sort of ruins the purpose of creating me, you know?  
  
Anyway, as Inner Truth have mentioned, in an instant, I stood before Enma- Daioh, Lord of the Dead. And let me tell you, he was impressive. Trust me, he was. For the first time of looking at him, I thought I was going to faint from shock.  
  
He told me how my life - actually, my death, was still linked to the world of the living. How I couldn't rest, because I had left so many issues on hold and that my soul was 'begging to unsolved these mysteries surrounding my life'. Yeah, I didn't believe at first, too.  
  
But I'm getting better at believing. I'm not sure how I had realized that what he said was true, but I did. And suddenly, I felt this strange longing to find out all I could know about my death. Why I died, and how my life was connected to my death.  
  
I think Enma-Daioh can read minds. He suddenly suggested this job. He asked for me to accept a job of being Shinogami for the EnMaCho, working to solve mysterious deaths and help send confused and desperate souls like how I use to be back to where they belonged.  
  
I agreed, obviously.  
  
It sounded interesting at the time. I mean, if I was going to remain in the World of the Dead, I might as well help out, right?  
  
Oh, and if you ever get a chance like me, don't agree. It's not as good as it seems.  
  
Oh, there are perks. Meeting new people, having lifelong friends, having a partner to depend on. Pretty much the same.  
  
Except the fact that I had gone through at least ten partners in the last seventy years. It really isn't that fun switching again and again. Until I met him.  
  
The first impression I got from him was, 'What the hell?' I mean, come on! He was pointing a gun to my head, saying I was the mysterious Dracula killer. Do I look like a vampire? I don't think so, even if I am dead.  
  
Anyway, the kid's name was Hisoka. Okay, he's cute. And he's very fun to tease. Whenever I rub his head like one would do to a small child, he'll acquire this strangely cute pout and scowl on his face. He's really adorable. Though sometimes, I don't appreciate the snubs. But I can take them, so I just let him go on it with it. Besides, the kid has gone through enough without me adding more weight on him.  
  
So basically, that sounds up my current lifestyle. Whenever Inner Truth and the other being won't come out, I take their place. Everything I do is forced. You know, I can hardly blame them. Whenever they are feeling angry or sad, in which they don't want to show people their sorrow or anger, I simply take their place, put on a forced smile, and easily go with the flow.  
  
I am the Inner Pretence, after all. Pretence, as in pretending, as in not real, as in a complete lie. Yeah, I suppose I am like a lie. Just a simple façade that I am. I can be no other. It's just who I am.  
  
I'm not ashamed of my position in this personality. I'm actually pretty content with being on backstage all the time. I don't like to talk much anyway, and I can't take huge crowds. It absolutely drives me crazy.  
  
So now, you have a basic view of both of us, Truth and Pretence, the contrast of Asato Tsuzuki.  
  
The next inner self/being you should meet is one you would never expect. Its personality, likes, dislikes, is so different from both of us. But lo and behold, you won't be surprised. I think this inner self is just the person you would expect from the Asato Tsuzuki everyone knows and loves.  
  
Great, I've kept you as long as Inner Truth had. I better send you to the next inner self before that person gets angry, and it rarely does. But when he is, it's just scary. And I'm not easy to frighten.  
  
So, I'll see you later. And if you have time, visit again. I didn't mind your company. Really, I didn't. Really. 


	3. Part 3: Inner Child

Oh, you're here! That's cool, you came all the way to see me.Have you met Inner Truth and Inner Pretence yet? They're nice - if not a little solemn and quiet. But they're really awesome to have around. Whenever I feel sad or angry, they take my place and let me rest awhile and to gather my wits. I really appreciate their effort, as you should know.  
  
Anyway, I'm here to introduce to you the last and final inner self of Asato Tsuzuki. I bet you can guess just who I am.No? Well then, I guess I'll have to tell you, won't I?  
  
I am Asato Tsuzuki, the Inner Child.  
  
You know, the usual happy go lucky guy you always see. Yes, that's me. Okay.um.how to describe myself and tell you how I was created from the start? I'm not sure, but I'll try my best, okay?  
  
It all started, just like the Inner Pretence, when we died. And if you don't remember his explanation, just go back. Chapter two, the Inner Pretence. You know, scroll up and find the drop down menu. It's that simple.  
  
Okay, to start off. I died.no, we died simply out of the blue. Just dropped right offline and flew to the Land of the Dead. Simple, right?  
  
And I became a Shinogami. God of Death, who brings wandering souls to where they belong (Land of the Dead; Meifu) and investigate unnatural deaths.  
  
All Shinogami have a partner to work with. Having partners is to make sure both of them are on track and they keep each other on their toes. And that's true.  
  
I.use to have many partners. Some other got hurt and had no chance of recovering, some who found their reasons of death and retired, leaving EnMaCho forever, never to be seen again. I just simply switched again and again.  
  
Then came him. Kurosaki Hisoka, the eternally young boy (stuck in the body of a sixteen year old) with dirty blond hair and bright lime green eyes. And trust me, they're lime green.  
  
He's a very weird kid. One minute he would be snubbing me and calling me idiot, the next he would blush and act all flustered. For no reason at all. Sometimes I purposely make him act embarrassed, for example, rubbing his head and running my fingers through his hair as one would do to a small child. And he'll get angry and blush and move away.  
  
It's sort of funny sometimes, to watch him do that.  
  
I've met other people of course, people long before I met Hisoka. There is Tatsumi, who used to be my old partner, but he.never mind. He keeps track of the budgets and the money and stuff, since he is the secretary of EnMaCho. There is always Watari, the wacky scientist who keeps trying to research a formula to turn man into woman. Let's just say.he's still working on that. Then there is Wakaba-chan, who's like a little sister to me. Terazuma, her partner, who's a pain in the butt. Really, he is. But one touch from a woman and he turns into a monster type thing. Only Wakaba can use this ofuda to turn him back. That's mainly the reason why she's his partner. The two Hokkaido girls, Saya and Yuma, who are as childish and cheerful as high school girls. They adore Hisoka and I, and practically suck up to us. Me, I immediately melt. Hisoka, he's just annoyed.  
  
There's a lot of others, but I don't really have the time to mention them all, but I'm sure you know who they are, right?  
  
So anyway, when I became a Shinogami, everything changed. We met so many new and nice people, and acquired new powers, and immediately, us three created ourselves. I would be used as an outer image, so that nobody will see our dark side and.  
  
Well, anyway, the Inner Truth would act as one who only came up whenever the chance. When the real Asato Tsuzuki was needed, he would come up and act as such. Finally, the Inner Pretence would act along in sync with me. Whenever I grew tired and do not wish to be myself, he would come up and take over for me.  
  
Good system, right?  
  
It really was, actually, but sometimes, it caused a few problems. Like whenever Inner Pretence and I didn't feel like coming up, the Inner Truth had to take over, and everyone thought Asato Tsuzuki was sick or had the fever or was delirious that day. They never thought Asato Tsuzuki could act so solemn and depressed. Believe me, Pretence and I had a small laugh over that day whenever we talk about it.  
  
So basically, you get the picture right? We work together just to get through life, and we work hard. But someday, our struggles will be over, and we will be as one. As one person. Three inner selves put into one person who can have all sides. All three of us await that day.  
  
And so, that concludes this little conversation with us. I really hoped you enjoy your stay, and I really hope to see you again. Would you mind coming over some time again? I wouldn't mind seeing you, that's for sure!  
  
And so, a farewell and a Merry Christmas from all three of us.  
  
  
  
--Inner Truth  
  
--Inner Pretence  
  
--Inner Child  
  
Of Asato Tsuzuki 


End file.
